I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
