new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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