I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
