Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
he high fived his dick after we had sex
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
