I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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