census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
