I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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