i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
