Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Two words: blizzard sex
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
