I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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