need another drink. this is the easiest way
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
