Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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