I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
