I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
