I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
