I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
