Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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