there's paper in my vomit.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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