I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
