she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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