I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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