How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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