the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
