peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
