I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
