Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
