i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
