What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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