If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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