I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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