I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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