It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
