How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
