There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
