ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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