wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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