You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
