she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
