i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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