one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
