This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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