Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
