I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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