Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
