On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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