Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
