I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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