he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
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