There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
