i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
