He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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