He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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