bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
