how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
